


Nori Rivers and the Silver Serpent

by Moon_Rose (Moonrose91)



Series: The Adventures of Nori Rivers, the Archaeological Thief [1]
Category: The Hobbit (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Indiana Jones...kind of, Gen, I AM WRITING BILBO/THORIN, I am excited by this, I am not really that sorry about that, I am sorry if the three-way sort-of marriage thing squicks anyone, I was already starting with the subtle hints, It is Indiana Jonesish, It really is something I started writing and it isn't explicit, M/M, Nori is a mad mad thief, Okay I am done, Okay I am done trying to explain this insanity, Okay there might be a second one too, PSA in the second chapter, This is where my flexible mind is shown, Threesome - M/M/M, Well one, You can probably ignore it gleefully beyond the subtle hints I throw in, i guess, i'm done now
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-19
Updated: 2013-12-19
Packaged: 2017-11-29 20:14:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 10,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/690990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonrose91/pseuds/Moon_Rose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In this AU where Nori is a bit like Indiana Jones (but not really), and Bilbo Baggins is an old friend of his (and possibly more once upon a time, or maybe not so once upon a time, who knows? But, of the two, Bilbo is a bit like Indiana Jones, except maybe fussier and calmer...maybe), and where everyone is human because I don't feel like explaining Hobbits, Dwarves and Elves into the modern world at this time (though I shall in the future some day), said Nori likes to randomly abduct Bilbo from his classroom at the university and drag him off on adventures without letting Bilbo's husband (Thorin) know a thing about it.</p><p>The Adventure of the Silver Serpent is just one of those adventures.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Professor Bilbo Baggins (aka, a very tiny prologue in which I try to give everyone a rundown of the world in 500 words or less)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [greenkangaroo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenkangaroo/gifts).



> [Inspired by this AU one-shot thing by greenkangaroo. I could not resist. (And there is so much fun to be had with this.)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/651150/chapters/1269033)

Everyone loved fussy Professor Bilbo Baggins.

He was warm and courteous, always willing to give a helping hand or, if you were having a particularly bad day, sit you down and offer you a cup of tea and a willing shoulder to lean on. For, despite the fact at 5’ tall he was the shortest professor on campus, and very slight looking, with his almost too pale skin and golden curls and warm brown eyes, he always surprised his students (and fellow professors) with the fact he seemed to always have the ability to shoulder everyone’s emotional baggage.

It sometimes surprised new students to learn that Assistant Dean Thorin Oakenshield was _married_ to Professor Bilbo Baggins, unremarkable (except when he was), average (except when he wasn’t), teacher of archeology, along with cultural anthropology, who never did anything unexpected.

Except when he did.

Well, more like when sometimes professor but usually not, Nori Rivers came swooping in (sometimes literally) and said, “Come Bilbo! There is an artifact and I need your light feet!”

And then, he would usually haul Professor Bilbo Baggins, in his neat tan slacks and his dress shirt with the tie that disappears into the cardigan he is wearing (if it is fall, and usually that is when Nori Rivers comes running through) over his shoulder and out the window they would go, Professor Bilbo Baggins shouting, “Nori, Nori, but me down this instant! At least let me call me husband! Nori!”

And by the time Assistant Dean Thorin Oakenshiled had rushed into the room, ready to rip Nori Rivers apart, it would be in time to rush over to the window and see Nori Rivers driving off on his motorcycle, Professor Baggins clinging tightly to Nori’s waist.

It was said that, when Professor Bilbo Baggins came back, it would be in clothes meant to stand up to rough wear and tear and he would be wearing heavy boots, his skin somehow tanned and weather worn, a bright and relieved smile on his face as he threw himself at his husband in relief. But these are just rumors of course.

Until, of course, the Adventure of the Silver Serpent.


	2. The Call to Adventure!!! (aka, we actually get this story underway)

Bilbo Baggins smiled as he carefully settled the box he brought out every Intro into Cultural Anthropology class onto his desk. It was a simple wood box, stuffed with straw, and all of his students, including Dori’s (and Nori’s) little brother Ori, wiggled excitedly in their seats.

He had just opened the box when the window opened and in stepped Nori Rivers, as if he did this everyday.

“Bilbo, oh hello class and Ori, you’ll never _guess_ what I have discovered!” Nori stated, even as Bilbo eyed Nori warily, because anything involving ‘you’ll never guess what I have discovered’ from Nori to Bilbo usually meant guns, and bullets, and bullets flying out of guns to attempt to enter either Bilbo, or Nori’s, bodies and sometimes succeeding.

Not that Bilbo minded (not even when he was shot on occasion, which pissed Thorin off _royally_ when he came back with a bullet wound, though he was royally pissed off at _Nori_ , never Bilbo, no matter _what_ condition Bilbo was in when he came back, because Nori would always make sure he came back), but that line always proceeded an abduction.

“Nori, whatever it is, I am _sure_ it can wait till my lecture is over. I am about to go into how items reflect a culture!” Bilbo protested, as he always did.

Though, usually it was not when he was about to bring out his samovar. No, no, usually it was when he brought out his replica of King Tut’s death mask that Nori decided to whisk him off into the great unknown. “No, it really _can’t_. Dori’s trying to make me grade papers, and I just want to give all the kiddies As, but he won’t let me,” Nori responded and Bilbo sighed.

“Nori, I understand that you want to give all the children As, but what have they done to deserve them?” Bilbo returned, even as he stepped up onto his stool to get into the box so he could pull out his treasure.

“Four of my remaining fifteen have learned how to hit the bullseye with a throwing knife. The rest hit the target. That deserves an A,” Nori returned and Bilbo gave a long suffering sigh.

“Thorin is going to murder you when he…aha! Now, my dear students, can anyone tell me what this is?” he asked, carefully setting the samovar onto his desk.

Hands went up all over the room, including Nori’s. “Besides Ori and Nori,” he stated and they lowered their hands, Nori with a spectacular pout.

“Bilbo, this discovery is _important_!” Nori exclaimed.

“So is my studEEAAAAAAANTS! Nori, put me down this instant! Nori, Nori, no! No, I shall not be hauled about like an unruly child, Nori put me down this instant! Ori, Ori, go get Assistant Dean Oakenshield and hurry! Nori, will you put me doOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWN!” Bilbo argued, but was promptly ignored by Nori, who hauled Bilbo over his shoulder and headed for the window, and Nori jumping _out the window_ was punctuated by a secondary shout of distress from Bilbo.

Every student (minus Ori who had rushed to do as bid) rushed to the windows, watching as (sometimes) Professor Norris “Nori” Rivers swung down the rope that was tied to the roof, Professor Bilbo Baggins over his shoulder like a damsal in distress.

Well, if a damsel in distress would be trying to rip their “savior’s” reddish-brown hair out by the roots, it would be. Bilbo did not seem pleased with the fact he was being hauled away and the students threw open more windows and leaned out. They waved ecstatically as they shouted, "Good bye Professor Baggins! Keep him safe Mister Rivers! We want him back!"

Nori paused to wave at them and Bilbo leaned up slightly to shout at them, "No, no! Don't encourage him! Nori, I have classes to treach, and papers to grade and put me down!" Bilbo shouted.

The students could not hear Nori, but Bilbo could.

"You're getting too stuffy, Bilbo. Time for an adventure to shake the dust out of you," Nori stated as he settled Bilbo on the ground next to his motorcycle.

Bilbo sighed. "Give me my helmet," Bilbo gave in with a grumble.

Nori beamed and pulled it out of the seat, along with his own, though while Bilbo's actually looked like a proper one, Nori's just looked like it was meant to not get him pulled over. "When you crash and your brains get splattered all over the pavement, please explain in your will that I always tried to shove a real helmet on your head," Bilbo stated right before he settled the helmet on.

"Yeah, yeah. Get on," Nori answered as he settled and Bilbo got on behind him, arms wrapping around Nori's waist as if they belonged.

"RIVERS!" Thorin shouted and Bilbo turned his head to look over at Thorin, who was striding across the campus.

"Ah, seems I've got a tighter schedule than usual," Nori stated, even as he started the engine.

Bilbo tightened his grip and settled closer, barely having time to get a wave off before Nori tore out of there. "RIVERS! Come back here with my husband!" Thorin shouted, but Nori just picked up speed, nearly crashing them twice as he wove rapidly through cars and took turns too fast.

"If I die, I shall haunt you till the end of time!" Bilbo warned.

Bilbo rolled his eyes as he felt Nori shake lightly with laughter, even as they rushed to wherever Nori was staying.

And even though Bilbo was cross that Nori had abducted him, _again_ , Bilbo still smiled as he held on.

He was quite ready for another adventure, despite all his protests, but if he let Nori know that, it would spoil all the thief/archeologist/whatever’s fun.

And Bilbo couldn’t let that happen, could he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIDING MOTORCYCLES WITHOUT A PROPER HELMET IS BAD!!!!!
> 
> VERY VERY BAD!!!!
> 
> DO NOT DO IT!!!!
> 
> I DON'T WANT YOUR BRAINS SPLATTER ALL OVER THE ROAD!!!!
> 
> YES EVEN YOU RANDOM STRANGER WHO I HAVE NEVER MET!!!!
> 
> A helmet has saved my mother's life many times over, and one main time back in the days when helmets were first being made, and not required to be worn. As in it only offered minor protection.
> 
> She lived.
> 
> And that is why I am here today.
> 
> Without a helmet, my mother would have died and I would not be around to write all this lovely fanfiction.
> 
> Remember this when you eyeball helmets and call them stupid (as my idiotic guy friends did in high school. They wore helmets to get me to shut up.)
> 
> Anyway, my public service announcment is over. I am sorry for ranting at you all.


	3. The Mess Left Behind (aka, a quick interlude with Thorin and a few others)

Assistant Dean Thorin Oakenshield sent out notices and got professors to cover for Bilbo and Nori, and quietly cursed Nori while debating actually calling the police and reporting an abduction, but the students all found it very cute, and some even said  _romantic_ , which made Thorin tense up, and now he was sitting in his office, doing his best to clean up the mess left behind.

There was a knock on his door and he grunted out a, "Come in."

He sighed when he saw it was Dori Rivers, with Fili and Kili (his impressionable nephews who always want to sneak after Nori and Bilbo), and Ori as well. They walked in and Thorin focused on his work instead of them, because there is much to do after this mess Nori has left behind.

 _Again_.

"I take it that it is _not_ a rumor that my irresponsible brother ran off with your husband…again,” Dori stated.

"He's not irresponsible! He  _always_  brings Professor Baggins back in one piece! Even from  _before_..." Ori began to argue, only to get an elbow to the side by Dori, even as Fili and Kili rounded on Ori.

"Before?" they asked eagerly and Ori flushed a deep red while Thorin grumbled about the shared history and the annoyance it caused him on certain days, those days being when Bilbo was stolen.

Like on their second date, in the middle of dinner. And their twelth date, during the movie, and their one year anniversary, where Thorin got to wave at Bilbo from across the park just before Nori just came out of nowhere and hauled Bilbo off.

And the proposal, though when they returned, Bilbo had leapt into his arms, wrapping his legs around Thorin's waist, kissing him frantically as he gave a "yes" for each kiss (while Nori ran off with a statute of a white horse), and even the  _wedding_ , which Thorin still hadn't forgiven Nori for (though at least he had waited till after the vows, and rings…and kisses were exchanged).

"No, it isn't a rumor. Took him right out of class and through a window," Thorin muttered.

"An open window," Ori corrected.

Thorin glowered at Ori, who shrunk behind his nephews, who were pouting. "They went off without us again!" Kili complained.

"That is probably for the best. Nori doesn't do well with interlopers," Dori answered, drawing Thorin's glare.

"I believe you three have  _classes_ ," Thorin rumbled out, already feeling a headache build from the mess that had come from Nori and Bilbo running off.

Well, Nori running off with Bilbo over his shoulder.

Bilbo holding onto Nori's waist, arm tight, the wave and that small jerk that had Bilbo clinging tightly to Nori, rises unbidden in his mind’s eye, and he frowns.

Because Thorin was jealous in that moment, because _he_ could never get Bilbo onto a motorcycle, but _Nori_ always could. Because it is a reminder that, despite being married to Bilbo, despite knowing Nori for as long as he's known Bilbo, despite having both and knowing both, though one far more constantly than the other, there are things in their shared past that he still doesn't know.

"They'll be back," Dori promised.

"How can you be so sure?" Thorin asked.

"Because Nori will  _always_  make sure that Bilbo comes home safe," Dori responded with a small shrug.

"Just with a few more bullet holes in him," Thorin muttered.

Dori didn't try to correct him, and sighs over going to go take over Nori's classes with a mutter, and hopes that Nori actually left lessons plans.

They both know he didn't.

For some reason, that doesn't irritate Thorin as much as it should.

(Maybe because he saw how Bilbo stared out the window and had sighed over the fact his sabbatical was denied, again, eyes distant and sad, or how he stared at his maps a bit more. Maybe because he saw how Nori paced, and had grumbled over the need for tests more than usual, eyes distant and  _angry_ , or how he watched Bilbo stare at his maps, fingers tapping.)

(Maybe because Thorin couldn't give Bilbo what he needed when the wander-lust hit, but Nori could, was why he wasn't as angry as he should be that Nori had abducted said husband.)

( _Again_.)

Thorin remembers, between the paperwork and the Dean coming to lecture him on letting the pair get away (as if he had a choice), to give his reservations for tonight at the restaurant for his and Bilbo's fifth anniversary as a married couple to Gloin so he can take his wife out for a nice night.

(At least  _someone_ will enjoy them.)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unless someone requests it, this is the last time we'll see Thorin till they get back home.
> 
> So...there's that.
> 
> (I'm going to have to write a prologue, aren't I?)


	4. A Boat to Another World (aka, travel is dangerous when you are Nori Rivers)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ THIS!!!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter include:
> 
> Murder of the quick and quiet type (but not really messy)
> 
> Looting of a dead body
> 
> If either of these disturb you, please wait for the next update.

Nori looked over when Bilbo joined him at the rail, dressed in his tan cargo trousers and cream long sleeved shirt with a vest that matched the trousers, his pack balanced perfectly on his back, staring in the direction the ferry boat was taking them. It was like they were on their first adventure all over again, but Nori always felt that way, maudlin old fool that he was. "Where are we going?" Bilbo asked softly.

"An island and a larger boat," Nori answered, knowing that that ship (Nori only called it a boat as a distraction) would take them to Lindon, the only port city in all of Eriador.

Not that Bilbo knew that, because Nori had refused to show, or tell, Bilbo anything until they were on said larger boat.

Because Nori _knows_ that Bilbo will not handle the  _fact_ that they are returning to the one place Nori swore to never return to, and the one place that Bilbo despised, well. "Where will the boat take us?" Bilbo asked softly and Nori stared at the water, letting it distract him.

But he cannot lie to Bilbo and he cannot keep it from him any longer, Nori let himself answer with the truth, and though they were spoken softly, they were heavy. "Lindon. From there, we'll go to Hammington."

There was a silence, thick and heavy between them, tension thick from the admission as the ferry cheerily moved on. It was broken by Bilbo gently leaning against Nori. "Well, it'll be nice to visit Mother," Bilbo answered softly and Nori gave a low snort, but shifts his arm so he can drape it across Bilbo's shoulders.

When all Bilbo does is mutter about how that can't be comfortable, but does not move away, Nori relaxes.

Because so long as Bilbo doesn't move away, even if he doesn't move closer, it meant that he was forgiven.

"So, your discovery?" Bilbo asked.

"Boat," Nori answered and Bilbo huffed.

"I think  _ship_ is more appropriate," Bilbo corrected lightly.

"It is built to float on the water and take us where we want. Boat," Nori argued.

They continued their light-hearted arguement till the ferry docked and they headed down, walking easily to where the ship waited.

As they walked through, Bilbo acting like an idiotic tourist, he gently grasped Nori’s scarred wrist as they walked, gently tugging him along from window to window, even as he tapped an old travel song’s beat against the raised and warped scars of the held wrist.

(Scars that were mirrored on the free wrist, for manacles were bad for the skin and always left their mark, no matter how careful one was, and Nori’s captors were not being careful.)

Nori shifted their hands until he was holding Bilbo’s and squeezed twice.

Bilbo laughed and squeezed back once.

Bilbo had Nori’s back and all was right with the world, for there is none that Nori trusts more than Bilbo Baggins.

*~*~*~*~*

“What did you discover?” Bilbo asked, once their cabin was secure and he settles across from Nori on the bed Nori picked.

His voice is pitched low anyway and a mark of charcoal on one wall by Nori’s chosen bed says where their follower is staying. Bilbo, as always, has found their follower and probably knows him better than Nori could discover, even if he had access to his network of informers that he does _not_ have, because that would be shady and wrong due to the fact he does _not_ fleece black market collectors for all they are worth, if he can manage it, often.

Bilbo rolls his eyes at Nori’s praise and smacks him lightly upside the head before crossing his arms pointedly.

Nori huffs and withdraws from his own vest pocket a pristine white paper. “I’ll kill you if that is hand drawn,” Bilbo warned.

“It is not hand drawn,” Nori responded and carefully unfolded the paper on the blankets, smiling at Bilbo’s awed gasp.

“Where did you find this? _How_ did you find this?” he asked softly as he carefully traced his fingers over the photocopied parchment that is a detailed mythology of the Silver Serpent, an artifact lost to the mists of time and believed to be only rumor and figments of truth.

“I found it quite honestly in an antique shop,” Nori answered far too innocently.

(He didn’t. He stole it out of the back room when he was hiding from old nightmares he thought had long gone to rest.)

Bilbo huffs softly and smiles over it. “We’re going to find the Silver Serpent?” Bilbo questioned, and his smile is bright as he gazes at Nori.

“Aye,” Nori responded.

“I could kiss you,” Bilbo stated.

“What’s stopping you?” Nori teased.

Bilbo huffed a laugh, but leaned over and pressed a kiss to Nori’s cheek before he snatched up the paper and rolled off Nori’s bed. He laughed before he rushed over to his bed next to the porthole and curled up on his claimed bed in their cabin.

Nori glared, but it had no real heat to it, and watched the way Bilbo’s lips move with the words, twisting it around in his head, his soft murmurs filling the air, his vast knowledge of cultures long dead, and his usually accurate hypothesis on cultures long gone, allowing him to get more insight into the parchment than probably the best expert that they could ever find.

Not that Nori would ever share this with anyone but Bilbo.

 “Who are we meeting in Hammington?” Bilbo asked.

Nori didn’t answer, instead just tapping his fingers against his leg and now Bilbo is staring at him, his gaze weighty. “Nori, who are we meeting?” Bilbo repeated.

“Gandalf,” Nori muttered.

“I couldn’t hear you Nori. I couldn’t have _possibly_ heard you right, because, we agreed, after he nearly got us killed not once, not twice, not even _three times_ , but _eight times_ , that we would not follow his advice again. That we would not go to him for help, because he would _railroad us_ to get what he wanted. We _agreed_ ,” Bilbo stated and Nori wishes he could hide under the covers, no matter how childish the action is.

“ _I’m_ meeting him. You don’t have to,” Nori returned and Bilbo let out a few choice cuss words in the Shireling (an odd language that kept to Hammington alone, and what Bilbo had been born and half-raised on before learning English…and other languages, because Bilbo had a _very_ gifted tongue) before he focused back down on the parchment, brow furrowing.

If Bilbo wasn’t so angry with him (because he is angry; he cussed, even if it wasn’t in a language Nori could actually understand), Nori would go over and poke the wrinkles and tease him about his face freezing that way.

But, when Bilbo is angry, it is best not to provoke him.

When it is time for dinner, Bilbo has calmed enough to let Nori near him.

But he shrugs off Nori’s hand.

Nori winces internally at that, but he knows Bilbo will forgive him once he’s calmed down.

(It doesn’t stop it from hurting.)

*~*~*~*~*

It is rare that it is Bilbo that gets into sticky situations, but Bilbo needed to walk on the deck. He needed the cold air and he needs to stare into the water, for all that he fears it with every beat of his heart (and Nori pointedly _never_ thinks of how _often_ Bilbo has leapt into the water after him because someone tossed him overboard or dumped him into a pool of water, because he can’t wrap his head around the fact that Bilbo, who can’t even walk on a bridge over water, and the only time he can get on a boat is if it is Nori, or Thorin, there with him, and he loves going to aquariums, odd bunny that he is), when he’s grabbed, a flash of a blade resting against Bilbo’s throat.

Nori doesn’t hesitate to step out of the shadows and startle the attacker enough so Bilbo can slip out. But he also doesn’t hesitate to step forward and quickly kill the man who dared to lay a hand on Bilbo with _intent_.

He just snaps his neck and makes sure that Bilbo is okay. “Nori! I thought we agreed on this; answers first, killing after!” Bilbo hissed, even as he helped search the pockets for anything of use (room key for the follower), and dispose of the body, each shouting ‘man overboard’ but Bilbo being the one to stay behind while Nori runs off to investigate the dead man’s rooms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is an AU. 
> 
> I can borrow from Tolkien all I want, especially when I am horrible and unable to think of where I want them to go in the real world. (I was originally going to send them to Belgium, but eventually decided not to.)
> 
> Sorry if this was...weird. Hammington is the Shire, essentially, far, far in the future, and Shireling is Hobbitish, but after a great deal of changes. Eriador is going to be the country.
> 
> And maybe I am playing with the idea of Middle Earth being in the past, maybe just a little, to prepare for the eventual day when I can do a modern day AU with all the Hobbits and Dwarves and such in place.


	5. Two Keys, a Suitcase, and a Tux (aka, What Nori Brought Back From the Dead Guy's Room and What it Lead to)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Um...is Hollywood Hacking a warning?
> 
> Yeah, Hollywood Hacking.

It was nearly ten at night by the time Nori slipped back into their room. A carefully shaded lamp was light so it made the room look dark from the outside, but Bilbo was waiting.

"Two keys, a suitcase, and a tux," Nori stated, dropping his list onto the bed.

"Two keys, a suitcase, and a  _tux_?" Bilbo asked, his voice slightly rough, as Nori gently tossed the dead man's room key from hand to hand.

The ransacking of the dead man's room had been quick, comparatively, and the body lost, for the most part, and Nori is sure that whatever lie Bilbo told is one that will be accepted by everyone. And, since Bilbo's eyes look a bit red, he had made himself cry in the telling, which would explain the rough voice, and it would also enhance Bilbo's rather "woe is me, I need protection" mask.

It was a trick that Bilbo had perfected before he met Nori and one that worked spectacularly well, especially combined with his soulful eyes and his honeyed curls.

"Yep. One is decorative and another is for one of the lockers they have below, the only problem being that you have to show ID to get into there, between the hours of 9 to 5, and the security system actually works, since this boat is usually used by those who carry sensitive information and bribing is out of the question. The pay is good and the health care spectacular," Nori answered, forcing himself to continue and _not_ get distracted by Bilbo's very pretty face (thought he was already quite distracted), and Bilbo groaned, shoving his hands into his hair.

"Laptop?" Bilbo asked and Nori beamed.

"Primed and ready to go. Three corridors over, one floor up, you know how to get into supply closets," Nori responded and Bilbo was already trotting off as he spoke, Nori slipped on his thin gloves that would insure he left no fingerprints and made sure that his lock picks, both the physical and electronic kind, were on him.

And then he slipped in the earbud and headed downstairs, towards the high-security lockers in the bowels of the boat.

*~*~*~*

 _“I can only give you a five minute window of opportunity for the main door,”_ Bilbo warned as he waited for the security camera to nod at him.

“Slipping love?” Nori teased.

 _“No. It is the fact that, they have a track virus in here. So…we’ll be dumping this laptop into the incinerator,”_ Bilbo responded and Nori winced.

“Damn. I loved that laptop,” Nori stated.

 _“I can tell. You put ‘Kansas’ album print out sticker things all over it,”_ Bilbo responded.

“I’ll have you know that is a _lovely_ example of your way with words, love."

_"Shut up."_

Nori chuckled before he frowned a bit. "What is taking so long?”

Bilbo huffed a bit, even as the soft clicking came over as Bilbo hummed quietly. _“Small, miniscule, tiny, problem. Will be over in a bit.”_

Nori stilled. “Bilbo, there is no such…I hate you,” he retorted, shutting himself up as the security camera nodded.

_"No you don't."_

Nori was through the door with a small laugh and to the electronic lock, already sliding the card in, ignoring the silence from the other end.

For a while at least.

“Sing my theme song,” Nori stated.

_“Oh, God, no. Not this again.”_

“I have to wait for this machine to do its thing. Sing my theme song.”

_“Five minute window, Nori.”_

“You can’t track the five minutes and sing my theme song?”

_“Why do you even want me to sing? I have a horrible voice, I thought I was forbidden to sing.”_

“You only have a horrible voice when compared to Thorin. Otherwise, it is beautiful. Lilting even.”

_“Nori, I am not singing your personally appointed theme song!”_

“Bilbo…ah-ha!” Nori stated and slipped in, disconnecting the electronic lock-pick and slipping in, the door locking behind him.

 _“Oh, I hope you have a secondary exit,”_ Bilbo muttered as Nori began to look for the dead guy's locker.

“But love, that’s what you’re here for. That and to sing my theme song.”

_“Nori, I will murder you. Slowly and surely, and it will be painful.”_

“You will not. You’d miss me. Come on love, my theme song,” Nori coaxed.

_“Why do you want my singing to be the last thing you hear?”_

The thief gave a low snort as he slipped into the back row, frowning at the tiny locker, wondering what was there. “Love, why wouldn’t I?” Nori returned gently.

_“Stop…oh, shit! Nori, hurry, I can’t keep the black out much longer.”_

“It can’t have been five minutes already,” Nori stated, even as he opened the locker and mentally cursed.

It was empty.

 _“Nori, get out there, now!”_ Bilbo ordered.

Nori barely had a chance to relock the door when he heard the distinct sound of the door being opened. “Bilbo,” he hissed.

_“The silent alarm slipped through. I couldn’t stop it. The university needs this security system.”_

“What do you know about the burglar alarm for uni?”

Silence met him and Nori grinned. “Thorin know who the hacker may be for that alarm at uni?”

_“Probably.”_

Nori resisted the urge to chuckle.

Yes, Bilbo had a gift for languages.

All of them.

Even ones that didn’t require his _very_ talented tongue.

*~*~*~*

_“Bilbo, darling, love, I’m in a spot of trouble.”_

Bilbo sighed, still hiding in the supply closet, even as he worked, frantically, to work against the security system, which was _combating_ him, and he frowned. “Up two rows, there’s an emergency exit. Run,” Bilbo warned and triggered every alarm system on the boat before he began to disconnect.

_“Bilbo, what are you doing?”_

“Run, Nori,” Bilbo reminded.

_“I run faster when you sing my theme song.”_

“Nori,” Bilbo coaxed out in a warning tone.

 _“Bilbo,”_ Nori mocked.

Bilbo swore at him as he worked on finding an escape route for Nori. _“Theme song.”_

Bilbo grit his teeth before he sighed. “Get out the door and lock it behind you, and I will,” Bilbo snapped.

He never saw Nori move so fast.

And then Bilbo disconnected everything, quickly and viciously, and without remorse.

_“Now, about m-…”_

Bilbo winced at the sudden cut off and focused on getting everything unhooked, moving faster as the sounds of footsteps filled the air, already knowing that depositing the laptop where it couldn’t be found was going to be difficult.

Getting out of the supply closet without anyone catching him?

From the sounds outside, it would be impossible.

Bilbo closed his eyes and leaned against the door.

And waited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo has skill with languages.
> 
>  _All_ of them.


	6. Bad Fortune

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a serious chapter because not everything can go without a hitch.
> 
> Mention to past torture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter has some serious revisions done.
> 
> Also, in case anyone was wondering, the reason Nori avoided "s"es in the last chapter after almost being discovered is, when you whisper, "s" is the loudest sound in a whisper. So he has to modify his language so he doesn't use any "s"es.
> 
> So, there is that.
> 
> Sorry this took so long to update Kanga.
> 
> Also sorry this is so short.

Nori felt his heart still as silence, dead silence, filled his ear.

For a moment, it was like that time in Egypt all over again. A scream cut off in the middle with nothing, except this time there was no scream.

There was nothing to suggest what had happened to Bilbo.

(Nori sees Thorin curled over and sobbing in his mind's eye, and feels his heart twist, because Thorin  _never_ cries, never has, not around Nori, not before that time in Egypt when Nori had to call Thorin and brought him to Egypt, to the dehydrated, hungry, _beaten_ body of his fiancée, at the time, but it isn't some hospital room now, it is the living room that Bilbo put together, that has Thorin's family heirlooms, like the great broadsword that hangs on the wall, and the drapes that stand out because that was  _Nori's_ touch, and he can't, he can't have that happen again, not again, he  _promised_ it would never happen again, he  _promised_ and Nori  _can't..._ )

He barely notices he's on deck, and he's grabbing one of the crew, explaining that his business partner has disappeared in the rush and he needs to find him, and the crew tells him to stay on deck, but Nori _can’t_ , don’t they understand?

He can’t fail Thorin again.

He _can’t_.

*~*~*~*

The crew had no chance to stop him, and Nori is gone before they can realize that he’s gone, having already slipped in for the count in his area, mentioning his business partner is missing, but otherwise getting nothing from them.

As the people mill, wives gossiping, old friends seeing each other across the way, Nori slips away as quietly as a cat and is already heading down to the lower levels. Their room is first, and there is nothing to suggest Bilbo returned and Nori begins to search in every hiding place Bilbo could possibly get into, slipping into his own hiding places to hear the crew rushing about, reporting false alarms throughout the ship and various missing persons, one of which might eventually be found as the man who “fell” overboard.

Nori just kept searching for Bilbo until he got to the storage closet.

He carefully opened it, and easily caught Bilbo as he tried to rush past. “Easy there, easy,” Nori stated, even as he held Bilbo tightly, before he began to lead them above, hiding the laptop under Bilbo’s jacket by buttoning the jacket over it, since Bilbo hasn’t been able to rid themselves of it.

The lies Nori tells fall easily from his lips and, eventually, everyone is allowed to return to their cabins and a crew member will be by to see if everyone assigned is there.

They hide the items that are not theirs as well as the laptop, and Bilbo says he’ll file a ‘missing laptop’ report, just in case, tomorrow.

It is nearly five in the morning when a crew member finally comes to their cabin to check on them.

Nori is tired, and the adrenaline rush, the _fear_ he had earlier is still rushing through his veins and he grabs Bilbo and hugs him tight. “Don’t do that again. _Never_ do that again, you hear me?” he demanded softly as Bilbo hugged him back, burying his head into the crook of Nori’s neck.

“I hear you. And I’m sorry, but I didn’t have a choice at the time,” Bilbo answered and he doesn’t protest when Nori drags them both to his bed so he can curl around Bilbo, uncaring of the fact that they are still wearing their shoes and Nori is still wearing his thin gloves that keep him from leaving fingerprints but still allow him to _feel_ and he just holds tight to Bilbo.

Neither get to sleep anytime soon, Nori clinging desperately to Bilbo and thankful to all above that today was just a false alarm.


	7. Picking Apart Ideas (aka, The Flipping Decorative Key Drove Bilbo Nuts)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Subtly about a threesome has gone out the window.
> 
> Completely gone.
> 
> If threesome disturbs you, just skip to the "*~*~*" and read beyond that.

Nori sighed softly as he lazed on his bed in the ship's cabin while he watched Bilbo puzzle over what they had liberated from the dead man.

Mainly the decorative key though.

He would keep coming back to it, turning it over in his hands, and frowning at it. He would twist it around his fingers and glare at it, as if it had somehow betrayed him. "It makes no sense," Bilbo stated, for the eighth time, and then he reopened the suitcase to pour through the contents once more.

Nori watched, wondering what he would have to do to distract Bilbo from this odd thing, because Nori is pretty sure that, after four days of searching for a reason behind the decorative key, Bilbo is close to actually going crazy. Not the fun kind-of crazy that he gets when he's at that perfect mix of adrenaline rush and alcohol, nor that scary kind-of crazy that is an odd balance of depression, adrenaline, and longing.

No, this was driving him the kind of crazy where Bilbo will have to be locked up in an asylum and leave Nori to explain to Thorin how that happened.

He frowned at the, now empty, suitcase and ducked slightly before he tilted it on its side, while ignoring Nori's curses at that.

It was only then, however, that Nori saw what Bilbo was frowning about. He was out of the bed and on the floor next to Bilbo as quick as he could move, before he carefully began to search for the catch in the suitcase before he carefully opened it to reveal a case under it. A case with a keyhole that would, most likely, be a perfect match for the key. "You are a brilliant, brilliant, man," Nori stated and didn't hesitate to grab Bilbo, gently, fingers sinking into those oddly soft curls, and yank him into a kiss.

Bilbo's hands snapped up to Nori's shoulders and pushed back, sending them both to the floor, their teeth clacking together painfully, but Nori didn't care.

Sometimes, Bilbo's brilliance deserved a kiss, especially when Nori had overlooked a false bottom.

Twice.

(Maybe he  _was_  getting too complacent for this.)

*~*~*

Bilbo frowned at the papers spread out before him, Nori joining in the frown.

It was files on them. Lots of information, most of it semi-public, but not enough to say who had collected it all. "I don't like that," Bilbo muttered.

"Don't like what?" Nori asked.

"Thorin isn't mentioned anywhere. And no offense, but I'm married to him. It is a matter of  _public record_ and it should be the first thing on here! It should be here with my driver's license number and what car I own according to the DMV! So why isn't it?" Bilbo responded.

"You're _not_ disturbed over the fact someone does have files on us dictating our entire lives together practically?" Nori retorted.

Bilbo considered and then shook his head. "No.  _That_  I'm used to. Usually when people are trying to get what we are racing to. But this...this doesn't mention Thorin. It doesn't mention that, technically, Thorin could be considered my boss, except he's not in charge of the anthropological section of the school, though he is the boss to my boss," Bilbo returned and Nori started at that.

Usually there was  _something_ about Bilbo sleeping with, at least, his boss. "Wait, when you said nothing, you meant... _nothing_?" Nori questioned.

"Absolutely nothing. Not even abstract mention. It is like Thorin doesn't exist in my life. Whereas, in your file, it mentions he is in charge of hiring you. Definite conflict of interest there," Bilbo responded and Nori snorted with amusement at the teasing tone Bilbo’s last sentence took before he frowned, looking over it.

There were pictures of things he had stolen, things that were now in museums, even mentioning that he only worked consistently with Bilbo and, even then, had betrayed him before.

Each time mentioned was a time Nori wished he could erase, but not something that he would change.

Nori had actually only betrayed Bilbo once, back when they were first working together.

It was the only time not mentioned, which was why he was thinking about it and he didn't even flinch when something bounced off his head.

"Stop thinking about the past and focus on the present. Why would someone have all this information, but not mention Thorin?" Bilbo asked and Nori leaned back with a sigh before he stared at Bilbo.

"Because they want to get to Thorin is the only reason I can think of," Nori responded.

Bilbo frowned at that. "Who would want to get at _Thorin_?" Bilbo returned and Nori shrugged even as Bilbo frowned down at the papers before he scooped up all of it and put them into his bag before he repacked, and relocked, everything.

"Let's get rid of this, and the laptop, and focus on the Silver Serpent. If someone else pops up hunting us, and not trailing for the Silver Serpent, then we'll worry about it," Nori stated and Bilbo sighed, before he nodded in agreement.

Only then did he return to studying what they had on the Silver Serpent, humming and pretending that they weren't going to visit the one person Bilbo practically despised.

*~*~*

Thorin frowned as the urgent folder was settled onto his desk.

His husband hadn't been "missing" for more than two weeks. It was too early, unfortunately, for Bilbo to be sending him something and, for that matter, it was all typed up. Thorin carefully opened it and pulled out a glossy print of Bilbo at a marketplace near the docks, in black and white, except for the reds that stood out. He slowly flipped it over and the picture slipped from limp fingers as, for in fiery red writing across the back was a message Thorin never thought he would ever see.

_You didn't think I forgot about my vengeance, did you?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently, my brain decided to do twist the plot.
> 
> I just went with it.


	8. Landing and Looking Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Subtly about this being future Middle Earth is gone now too.
> 
> I threaded it in.
> 
> Mention of attempted ritual sacrifice.

Nori couldn't stop his laughter when Bilbo practically  _flew_ off the ramp and collapsed on the ground, praising solid land with every breath while clinging desperately to his things.

If it wasn't so  _Bilbo_ , Nori probably would have cursed him and kicked at him while saying that he need not be so dramatic.

But Bilbo's utter hatred of water and near paralyzing fear of drowning was enough to have Nori forgive any slight and he is already helping Bilbo to stand. "Come on, I've got a car waiting," Nori answered and Bilbo huffed.

"Last time you had a car waiting, we were captured by that cult, the ones that believe that some evil deity called "Morgath" will rise and drench the world in Shadow, you know the one, and I really don't want to go through that again. For some reason they thought that I was the reincarnation of some enemy to Morgath's servant who lead the way into that creature's utter destruction by  _fire_ and tried to  _sacrifice me_ ," Bilbo argued as they walked through the streets, Nori with one arm around Bilbo's shoulders.

"Ah, but they didn't!" Nori pointed out cheerfully as he tugged Bilbo a little closer before they ducked down an alley.

“I got the scars to prove how close they got! I still haven’t told Thorin where they came from!” Bilbo hissed lowly even as Nori slipped his hand between Bilbo’s back and the backpack.

Bilbo just huffed as Nori continued with his argument. “But they didn’t _actually_ kill you. I think you are being too upset over this,” Nori stated even as he shifted his hand so he was reaching into the secret pocket against Bilbo’s back.

Bilbo let out a few unsavory words in another language and continued the argument, even as they swung into a secondary alley.

Nori didn’t hesitate to turn and let the knife fly, baring his teeth at their follower as the knife drove itself into the man’s upper arm, pinning him to the building behind him. “Wood buildings. Gotta love ‘em,” Nori stated as he sauntered up to the man, knocking him unconscious before yanking the knife out so he dropped.

A bit of riffling, and the man was soon liberated of his every worldly possession omitting the clothes off his back. “Let’s see what this does,” Nori stated, holding up a flash drive and wiggling it back and forth.

*~*~*

Bilbo hummed a bit as he scrolled through the information that was within the flash drive at the local library while Nori got together a car.

It was entirely about him, it spoke about his life (orphaned by age 13 on the streets till 17, when he met Nori and Nori’s family), and about his parents, a deep in-depth thing.

Bungo Baggins, original heir to the Baggins family fortune, only to be disinherited when he married Belladonna Took. An architect of great skill, Bungo ran his own architectural business out of his home until he died when Bilbo was ten years old.

His mother, Belladonna Baggins, was the money savvy one of the two. She died three years after Bungo, and had left Bilbo alone.

He had never blamed her, of course, and that was mentioned in there too.

How they managed to learn that narrowed down the field to a few people, and Nori wasn’t among them, ironically enough, but Thorin _was_.

This was not good.

“What did you learn?” Nori asked as Bilbo opened up the secondary file folder to find it was Nori’s, which he shifted out of the way for so that Nori could check it over.

“That someone has _very_ good resources,” Bilbo answered as he looked away while Nori let out a low hiss of fury.

“Too good. They know about how all three of us are not…That we’re complicated,” Nori answered and Bilbo gave a small nod.

“So…who does that narrow this down to?” he asked.

“None that I know. You have any ideas?” Nori asked and Bilbo tapped his head against the pillar next to the computer.

“One. And…not a good one. While _you_ talk to Gandalf, it seems I’ll be speaking to someone else. If I don’t returned in a week, tell Gandalf I went to speak with someone from my four year Black Out. He’ll know of whom I speak,” Bilbo responded.

Nori leaned back slightly and let out a low whistle. “We haven’t kept secrets from each other in a while,” he answered.

“And I wouldn’t except this is one secret I would really rather not share. Trust me?” Bilbo responded.

“Always. Thorin know?”

“No. And if I have my say, he’ll _never_ know either.”

*~*~*

“Thorin, you can’t just disappear on the university this early in the semester!” Dean Ishtari exclaimed as Thorin worked on getting everything set-up to leave, including who could take care of his duties while he was gone.

“It isn’t a matter of _can’t_. I _have to_ ,” Thorin answered before he began to calmly answer his secretary’s questions on things he didn’t her work on.

Which was few.

“Besides, no one will even notice I am gone,” Thorin added.

“How so?”

“My nephews are going to visit their mother, Dori knows and will distract Ori, Miss Landon is the most amazing secretary to ever cross this world, and I am not overseeing anyone this semester. I’ll try to be back as fast as I can. But I _have_ to leave,” Thorin answered and thanked Miss Landon when he accepted the plane tickets from her.

“I don’t understand why you must go!” Dean Ishtari exclaimed as he followed after Thorin, who was carrying his only suitcase.

Thorin paused and turned around. “Bilbo isn’t the only one who used to globe-trot. In fact, it was one of the reasons you hired me way back when in the languages department. And during those travels, I made enemies. According to Winston Churchill, that means I stood up for something. And now…now that has put my husband in danger. And I am going to fix it anyway I can,” Thorin explained and quickly stalked off, ignoring Dean Ishtari.

He would have to give Miss Landon a raise when he got back in thanks for getting his vacation approved right under Dean Ishtari’s nose or he wouldn’t be able to get there in time, especially when a secondary picture had made it to his desk a week after the first of Bilbo on a boat headed for the country Bilbo swore never to return to, if he had a choice.

Which also reminded him he would need to punch Nori in the nose for dragging Bilbo to the one place in the world he hated.

The only way it could be worse is if Nori took Bilbo to _Gandalf_ of all people. But Nori wouldn’t do that.

Or, at least, Thorin didn’t _think_ Nori would do that.

He shook himself off of those thoughts and focused on getting to the airport in time.

If he hurried, he could get there before Azog did more than just take _pictures_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Azog is the one hunting Bilbo.
> 
> But who is Bilbo going to go talk to?
> 
> Or is it the same person?
> 
> (Stay tuned to next week for the continuing adventures of Nori Rivers, the Archaeological Thief)


	9. Two Talks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might be a little confusing, sorry.
> 
> Also, last of my birthday chapters, because headache.

Nori frowned as he waited for Gandalf at the Prancing Pony, Bilbo having headed to his hometown on the next transport to Hammington, Nori wondering why the people of Bilbo's hometown still used horse drawn wagons to get around, but said nothing, directly, to Bilbo about it.

He had no desire to incur Bilbo's wrath more than he already had with this little trip, even if it was for the Silver Serpent, and he put down the money for a refill on his drink and placed the glass on top of the bills as he resisted the urge to sigh heavily. He had no desire to sound like a maudlin drunk or something equally unsavory and he hummed under his breath while he let his eyes dart around, looking for the batty old man who he needed to meet with.

Nori immediately rolled his eyes when he, finally, found the grey suit wearing man, with long beard and long hair, both varying shades of gray.

He huffed and got off his stool, heading over to the man and settling in the seat across from him. "You are late," Nori stated and Gandalf snorted a bit as he pulled out his long pipe, lighting up, not even earning a twitch from the barkeep. "I am  _never_  late. I always arrive  _precisely_  when I mean to," Gandalf retorted and Nori snorted.

"Right," he patronized and Gandalf humphed, before he looked around.

"Where's Bilbo?" he inquired.

"Gone to visit his mother," Nori responded, feeling no guilt about not saying the whole truth.

"Now, you said something about  _help_ ," he pressed and Gandalf nodded, grumbling about impatience before he began to explain what he knew about the  _copy_  of that paper about the Silver Serpent had come from.

*~*~*

Bilbo nodded his thanks to the innkeeper of the Green Dragon as he was lead to a back office that few knew existed and settled onto the surprisingly comfortable chair in front of the desk, letting his eyes wander around the room, taking in the changes that had happened since he had last been here at age 17.

The scenic painting on the back wall was one Bilbo recognized as one he had commissioned by one of the art students during his first year teaching and sent here as a present, the computer was the newest thing to hit the market recently, and the picture frame was new entirely to Bilbo's memories. The door opened behind him and he turned to face the tall, lithe man Bilbo had known in his younger years.

He looked mostly the same, his hair still blacker than the night sky and eyes that vivid gold that always unsettled Bilbo.

Unusually, the man looked incredibly surprised to see Bilbo there. "Bilbo," he greeted as he shut the door.

Bilbo smiled and stood up, sticking his hands in his pockets, a nervous habit he had long thought he had broken himself of. "Smaug," Bilbo answered.

*~*~*

Nori sighed and rubbed his eyes. “So, what does that mean?” he asked.

“It means, my dear Nori, that you are going to need to obtain the original,” Gandalf answered simply, puffing away on his pipe idly the entire time.

Nori gave Gandalf a look. “And who has the original?” he inquired.

“An old friend of mine, and somewhat of Bilbo’s. Elrond of Rivendell, about a four days bus journey to the nearest courier stop. It is another small town, this one hidden away at the foot of a mountain ranges that is only accessible by foot, cart, or horse. Bilbo and his mother stayed there till her death when he was thirteen. He knows the place well and Elrond, I know, shall be greatly relieved to see that Bilbo has turned out rather all right, in the long run,” Gandalf explained and he hummed a bit at Nori’s frown.

He had found Bilbo in Hammington, his mother was _buried_ in Hammington.

Why hadn’t he been in Rivendell with this _Elrond_?

Nori wished he could just steal the damn thing, but he doubted he would be able to.

“Wonderful. When is the next bus out to there?” Nori asked.

“Not till the end of the week, at the latest, and tomorrow morning at dawn at the earliest. If Bilbo’s in Hammington, it might just be cheaper, and easier, to buy a small cart with a pony and get along that way. As advanced as this country is, most to the west of the mountains need to keep to the old ways, something I genuinely like,” Gandalf stated and Nori glowered, rather waiting for the bus then buying, or renting, something living he would have to worry about on top of worrying about Bilbo.

“Why is that anyway?” Nori questioned.

“The ground around here. Anything heavier than a horse sinks in Hammington, it is why most of the houses are built right into the land. Farming must be done by hand or by horse, or pony, and in Rivendell, it was built on the ruins of a lost city and they refused to damage the original foundations to make it accessible to cars. Elrond was most excited with the find and it took a good deal of his life savings to buy the land and rebuild it, before he essentially turned into a safe haven. As private property, he can forcibly evict anyone that does not follow his rules and there are quite a few people who have found safety there until they are ready to face those that have caused them great harm,” Gandalf answered and Nori snorted.

“And he’ll help us?”

“He’ll help Bilbo, at the very least, and you by extension. Now, what do you say about us heading to Hammington, hmm?”

*~*~*

Bilbo didn’t think he could have stopped the squeak of surprise if he tried when Smaug pulled him into a tight hug, one hand burying into his hair while his forehead came down to press to Bilbo’s ear. “Smaug?” he questioned, but the only response Bilbo received was Smaug tightening his grip on Bilbo.

He was trapped in Smaug’s grip, however, so he just nudged his head against Smaug’s as comfortingly as he could. He nudged a few more times before Smaug was pulling back, sighing at him. “Bilbo, how did you get caught up in Azog?” he asked desperately and Bilbo frowned.

“Who is Azog?” Bilbo asked, already dreading the answer.

He knew it could be _nothing_ good if it had Smaug being clingy.


	10. Why Azog Wants Bilbo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....
> 
> Short chapter after three months is better than no chapter, right?
> 
> Right.

Smaug didn't calm at that, instead keeping his hands on Bilbo. Running them through his hair and then drawing him close again.

Bilbo remembers this from when things went wrong, or he almost got caught, or someone shot at him. He was small (he is still small) and Smaug had been the one to bring him in. The Dragon of Arda, a thief of the highest caliber, with other thieves under his widespread wings, and he would fall into a tizzy over Bilbo.

"Wonderful, you've pissed someone off without even realizing who they were," Smaug muttered and released Bilbo before heading to his desk.

Bilbo settled in the chair across from Smaug and Smaug sighed before he seemed to settle in a way that made Bilbo think of a dragon on his hoard. “Where’s the one who took you off and helped you get citizenship elsewhere?” Smaug asked.

“In Bree,” Bilbo answered softly as he watched Smaug type into the computer.

“Of course,” Smaug muttered as he began to type rapidly, the only thing (now) showing his concern over the ‘Azog.’

Whoever, or whatever, that was.

Smaug then reached into his desk and tossed a file folder onto it, nodding to Bilbo, who stood and retrieved it. “Azog. He’s a…mercenary, of sorts. He’ll do anything, given the right incentive. Usually, it is money. For you? No idea. That’s…everything on him. His previous targets, his old acquaintances, anything and everything I could find out about him, I did when your name popped up in conjunction with, ‘He’s mine,’ from Azog. He’s put a price based off of two things. Getting you alive, and getting you to him. Bonus for being ‘unspoiled’ is how I believe he put it and the underground has been scrambling since to get you and bring you to him,” Smaug stated while Bilbo began to search through the file folder.

“Nice piece of work,” Bilbo murmured quietly as his eyes darted over the list of crimes Azog had perpetrated over his long career.

“You think Azog is just an alias people pick up?” Bilbo asked suddenly.

Smaug considered and then nodded a bit. “Whoever took over for the last. This Azog, though, has been running things for near on thirty years, omitting that time about ten years ago when someone nearly shut him down for good. Thought it would dissolve the entirety of the Orc Mercenary group, but it didn’t. This Azog managed to survive. And for some reason, he’s baying for your blood,” Smaug stated.

“No. The bonus is pretty big, at least according to this thing that was on top. He is enticing people to keep me unharmed, alive, and to him. The question is…why?” Bilbo asked as he continued to look through, only to still upon looking at a picture.

He felt his mouth dry and an echo of a conversation echoed through his mind.

_“Where did you get this then?” Bilbo asked softly as he traced one finger down the black interlacing patterns that curled down Thorin’s spine._

_They reminded Bilbo of teeth and claws and blood, except all black. It looked a little faded and obviously not one Thorin cared for, as opposed to the rest that decorated his upper arms, and one very fabulous one across his entire chest._

_“Foolish youth. I was driven by something I shouldn’t have been driven by and…I did a lot of stupid things. And I hope you never find out about my whole sordid past,” Thorin answered, even as he twisted and turned to carefully cradle the back of Bilbo’s head with his hand._

_“Mmm. That goes double for me,” Bilbo answered before he leaned forward for a kiss._

“Bilbo?”

Smaug’s sharp, almost panicked, voice cut through Bilbo’s brain and he looked up to find Smaug hovering over him. “Bilbo, what is? Did you find something?” Smaug asked and Bilbo nodded slowly.

“I found my husband,” Bilbo answered and Smaug’s jaw dropped.


	11. Flowers for Mother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long.
> 
> Again.

"Your  _husband_?" Smaug demanded, already snatching the file away, or trying, as Bilbo kept it away.

Kept it away because he was tracing the tattoo Azog's, this Azog's, warriors got down their spine, all claws and teeth and blood, only black. He was tracing it over and over, even as Smaug knelt in front of him. "Bilbo," Smaug murmured and Bilbo stared at Smaug.

"How possible would it be that my husband, my Thorin, was the one who nearly ended Azog's reign ten years ago?" Bilbo asked softly and Smaug carefully pulled Bilbo into his protective embrace.

“Not high,” Smaug admitted softly and Bilbo’s keen had Smaug holding him tighter as Bilbo sobbed brokenly into Smaug’s shoulder.

*~*~*

It had taken an hour for Bilbo to come out of his emotional crash.

An hour after Bilbo had stopped sobbing and merely leaned limply against Smaug.

An hour in which all Smaug had wanted to do was hunt down Thorin and rip out his throat with his bare hands.

No one hurt Smaug’s Bilbo, _no one_ and to do so was to court Death and gain Her Affection. He was furious  and all he could do was murmur soothingly to Bilbo.

An hour had passed since Bilbo had left and Smaug was only now starting to calm down. Well, calm down in the relative sense.

He no longer wanted to throw heavy and expensive things at the heads of whoever came through, so he settled at his chair. He took a few more deep breaths, and he stared at the picture of Bilbo that sat on his desk, which nearly sent him foaming at the mouth again. He traced the frame, wondering how life would have been different if he hadn’t found Bilbo that day.

If he…

He pressed the intercom. “Get in here. Now!” he ordered and stood up, fury once again licking up his spine like fire across the crowns of trees during a wildfire.

One of those with a stern spine rushed in and Smaug gave a terrible, horrible, grin. “Where is Thorin Oakenshield?” he demanded.

“Um…on a boat to here. Why?” the man asked.

“The moment he steps foot on the docks, bring him to me,” Smaug ordered with a low growl and the man nodded frantically before he bolted.

Ah, it was good to be the Dragon of Thieves.

*~*~*

Nori slid up next to Bilbo, who was carefully arranging a bouquet of flowers, all beautiful sprigs of white and yellow and green, as he knelt in front of the tombstone. Bilbo’s hands were a bit scrapped up, probably from cleaning off the stone, and he was incessantly shifting the flowers. “What’s wrong?” Nori asked softly and Bilbo let out a long sigh, tracing the flowers with shaking fingers.

“Found out who is after me, at the very least. Possibly you,” Bilbo responded softly as he shifted the flowers again.

Nori wondered if Bungo’s gravestone had been as clean as it was right now and if the pipe lying there was as expensive as it looked, or if Bilbo had just gone at his parents’ graves with vigor usually reserved for beating sense into Nori’s head.

If Bilbo had been sitting there, moving the flowers for his mother’s grave because he didn’t want to leave, to move, to _breathe_ , but kept doing the last one because he had promises to keep. “Oh?” Nori asked.

“Yes. Azog,” Bilbo answered and Nori let out a low hiss.

Should have expected that, really. Thorin’s ill-cared for tattoo up his spine, one that Nori did in fact know, didn’t mean anything good.

“Apparently he has a beef with Thorin and wants me alive and unharmed and brought to him, so it might be best to hurry it up,” Bilbo stated, even though he didn’t move.

“Find out anything else?” Nori questioned softly, knowing that if Bilbo had found out about the meaning behind Thorin’s spine tattoo…

“Just…surprising news, but to be expected. I’m keeping a worse secret from him. And you,” Bilbo answered and slowly stood up.

“Mostly because I am not ashamed, but I could not handle seeing your hatred when I’ve enjoyed your love,” Bilbo murmured softly and turned to give Nori a very fragile smile.

A fragile smile that broke Nori’s heart and had him reaching out for Bilbo, uncaring of the fact that Azog’s people were probably huddled at the edges of the graveyard and watching them. He gently grabbed Bilbo’s shoulders before he pulled Bilbo to him, wrapping him up in a tight hug before he buried his fingers into Bilbo’s curls.

Bilbo held him back and Nori turned his head, pressing a kiss to the slightly pointed tip of Bilbo’s ear, though it wasn’t _entirely_ intentional. “We could never hate you, Bilbo,” he whispered as he held Bilbo close.

“Oh, by Eru, I hope so,” Bilbo whispered softly and Nori just held him all the tighter.

 


End file.
